


togetherness

by ROSEWAR



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-20
Updated: 2015-05-12
Packaged: 2018-02-26 09:05:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2646194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ROSEWAR/pseuds/ROSEWAR
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Elle finds out about Julius and Ludger's relationship. None of them take it well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Elle sometimes catches Ludger in the act of going to or leaving Julius' room, either late in the night when he thinks she's asleep or in the earliest hours of the morning. She doesn't see him, but she can hear him, padding past the door with bare feet. Sometimes he'll be overcautious and take slow, long steps past her door, and other times he'll go for broke and rush by (those times usually follow after Julius has been gone for a long time).

Either way, Elle finds it curious but thinks nothing of it. When it comes to domestic affairs, Elle finds that adults can be pretty boring.

 

One morning she catches Ludger in Julius' bed. They weren't doing anything in particular, Julius was just resting his head on Ludger's lap while Ludger brushed his hair with his fingers, but the moment was oddly tender, and she wanted to share in it with them. She runs into the room with arms outstretched and doesn't give them a chance to protest before jumping on Julius' bed and cheering.

"Get up, get up," she says, and she jumps to sit herself on Julius' chest, and he tickles her, and Ludger reaches over to hug her and they all laugh and smile like a real family should.

 

Sometimes Elle thinks about calling Ludger daddy. She doesn't though. She's not ready. He's _not_ her daddy. Things are just too complicated and thinking about it confuses her easily.

 

One day, she contemplates calling Glasses Guy his real name. She doesn't though. She loves him dearly, way more than she should, but something about it feels strange. She doesn't feel ready quite yet. There's a gap between them that she can't put her finger on, so she just leaves it be.

She catches Ludger and Julius in bed together another time, but it's a little less innocent. Elle knows it's something she's not allowed to see.

Ludger is only wearing his jeans, while Julius' work clothes are wrinkled, his collared shirt popped open, and he has Ludger in his lap. Ludger is smiling and laughing and leaning away as Julius kisses his neck and runs his hands over Ludger's backside.

Elle stands at the doorway in her nightgown, eyes wide and unblinking, trying to process just what's going on.

It's different. It's strange. _Daddy,_ she thinks desperately. _Daddy. Julius._

She must have made a noise or something because the two of them bolt off each other, Julius scooting backwards and Ludger jumping to his feet like a startled cat, and both of their eyes are on her.

"Elle," Julius says quietly.

Ludger looks utterly lost.

Elle doesn't say anything, only shakes her head, backs out of the threshold, and runs to her room. She closes the door and scrambles for the closet to pull out her yellow backpack, and she buries her face into it and tries to breathe.

Ludger comes in after her and is quick to kneel at her side. She's not sure what she's doing or what's happening around her anymore; she can't breathe and Ludger is holding her to his chest and stroking her back, shushing her in a manner more loving than even Daddy has shown her.

She feels like she's going to be sick.

"Go away!" she cries out, thrashing in his hold while still holding her backpack. "Leave me alone! Leave me alone, Ludger, just go away!"

Ludger looks wounded, as if he's been slapped in the face for the most unjust of reasons. At first, he quietly shakes his head and moves to touch her shoulder, but Elle just screams as loud as she can and turns away.

"Leave me alone!" she cries out again, and she still can't breathe because Daddy and Julius were-- Daddy and Julius are--

This time Julius comes in and he pushes Ludger aside, firm yet gentle somehow, and Ludger is starting to tear up now as Julius stoops down to Elle's level. He doesn't touch her, merely watches her tremble and hyperventilate with an analytic expression.

"Elle," he says. "You're going to be fine. Just calm down."

"I can't calm down!" she barks back, clinging tighter to her backpack.

"Yes you can."

Elle shakes her head in protest before burying her face into her backpack once again, wanting to get her breathing under control in her own little world. It doesn't work, and she begins to grow frustrated and--

Julius' large hand is rubbing her back, but it's the only contact he makes with her, and that's when Elle finally starts crying.

She cries and cries, sobbing into her backpack, wailing out _Daddy, Daddy_ over and over again. _Daddy, Daddy, Daddy._

 

Everything is a haze to Elle. She watches Julius tells Ludger to leave the room, and then Ludger starts crying too. She can't absorb what they're saying but Julius raises his voice and it makes Ludger cry harder.

"Stop," she says softly. She's out of tears to cry by now but the devastation is still raw and overwhelming.

They don't hear her, and Ludger starts clinging to Julius and crying into his chest. Julius shakes his head, gives Ludger's head a stroke. He must have said _something,_ because Ludger swallows thickly, nods, and gives Elle the most reassuring smile he can muster.

"Julius wants to talk to you, okay Elle?" Ludger says in a shaky voice.

He lingers at the door, watching her forlornly, before brightening his smile. "Love you."

When he leaves and the door is shut behind him, Julius settles back onto the floor, about an arm's reach away from Elle, and he watches her with a soft, understanding expression.

"Talk to me, Elle," is all he says. It's all he needs to say.

"I saw you and Ludger," she says with a small, weak voice. "You two...you guys are..."

Julius knows that even with her vernacular, there's no real way a child could put what they just saw into words, so he nods and makes a noise of affirmation instead.

"We were. You weren't imagining things."

Elle swallows hard, lips quivering again. She doesn't know why being validated is upsetting her again. She supposes because now she knows it's real, and not a bad dream.

"You guys are brothers!" Elle says, trying to raise her voice in indignation but sounding pitiful and small instead. "You're his big brother, and you're a lot older than he is, so why--"

"Because I love him, Elle."

The way Julius says it makes Elle sick, not because of the concept, but because Julius sounds so defeated and lovelorn and disgusted with himself. He sounds as if he's admitting to the gravest sin a man could ever commit, and maybe he is in a way, but Elle is far too young to understand.

"It's weird," she says again. "It's not right. It can't be right, you're brothers."

Julius shuts his eyes and nods.

"Listen to me, Elle," he begins in a voice that's stern, but still somehow caring. He watches her with a pointed gaze. "Ludger and I are sick. Very sick."

Elle shakes her head. _That's not true, you're not sick, you just love Ludger, but he's your brother so maybe you are._

Julius continues. "We know what we're doing is wrong, and we're sorry for hiding it from you. Can you forgive us?"

Elle takes a moment to process what's happening, but she manages a shaky nod.

"I'm not mad," she says petulantly. "I'm just..."

"I know, Elle," Julius replies with resignation and a little bit of sadness in his voice. He closes his eyes and shakes his head.

"You're his brother."

"I know, Elle."

This time, Julius' voice is the one that shakes.

 

The next morning, Ludger makes them an exorbitant breakfast. Elle gets Elle-style Curry and Julius gets a tomato omelette. Elle takes a few bites of her curry, looks up to see Julius and Ludger sitting across from each other, and starts to tear up.

Ludger starts to cry too, and he ignores Julius to go over to her and hug her. This time, Elle lets herself be held; she clings to him, _Daddy, Daddy, Daddy._

 

They start fighting. Elle isn't used to it at all, nor was she expecting it.

She catches them arguing when she comes home from school sometimes, or after bed when she's pretending to be asleep because her mind is overactive.

It starts off as them debating what to do about her. Ludger wants them to be open about their relationship and explain things over and over and over to Elle until she understands. Julius, who talks like a know-it-all, says it would be too much for her, that it's already too much for her, that they should be more careful.

Their conversations would die down to apologies until one night, Ludger refuses to give it up. He raises his voice, Julius raises his back, and they _fight._ Elle is too petrified to leave her room when this happens, so she just lays in bed, stiff as a board, and waits until Ludger starts crying and they apologize to each other.

Eventually, they start snapping at each other during the daytime when Elle's around too. They start fighting at night about mundane things, and one night both of their voices tremble so hard that Ludger just bursts into loud, anguished tears and says he just wants to be happy, he wants all three of them to be happy, why can't Julius understand how he feels.

Julius doesn't back down and comfort him like a pushover this time, and keeps his voice firm. He tells Ludger that's not how reality works.

Ludger just cries and Elle's pretty sure Julius leaves the apartment.

When Ludger hasn't stopped crying after a long while, Elle decides to shuffle out of bed. She peers at him from around the corner of her door and watches him for a moment.

He's slumped against the cabinet of the kitchen sink, knees drawn up, face in his hands as he weeps as quietly as he can. Ludger's always been an overly emotional person, so Elle isn't surprised that he would be taking all this so hard.

"Ludger...?" she peeps out, voice small and sounding all of eight years old.

Ludger's head snaps up and he quickly wipes his eyes, putting on the most forced smile the girl has ever seen. "Elle."

Elle says nothing, just quietly shuffles to his side.

"What are you doing awake?" Ludger asks, about to rise from his sitting position, but Elle ends up plopping down next to him and staring up at him.

"I heard you and Glasses Guy just now..." she confesses meekly.

Ludger watches her, and for a moment he looks completely and utterly lost in despair. Elle supposes he would be; she's acting up, and Julius is being a brat to him-- and what other family does Ludger have besides them?

"I'm sorry, Elle," Ludger says softly. He looks down, eyes wetting with shame.

Elle frowns before bursting into tears and clinging to Ludger. Ludger starts crying again too, and he pulls her to his chest, right over his heart so she can listen to its steady beat.

They don't stop, even as Ludger picks her up and takes her to his room. He sets her down on his bed, and she clings to his arm when he makes a move to leave.

"Don't go," she says with a slight hiccup.

Ludger sniffles and lays next to her. She cuddles up to his chest, and cries into it while Ludger goes back to weeping softly and stroking her hair.

 

Julius didn't wake them up.

 

They keep fighting.

 

The worst of it comes one night when Elle manages to fall asleep on her own. Ludger's shouting wakes her up, and Ludger never shouts, especially at Julius, so Elle is concerned.

"Please, Julius please don't do this, please!"

Elle rubs her eyes, grabs her backpack, and pads up to the door. It slides open without either of them noticing her.

Ludger is clinging to Julius' arm with a grip that definitely hurts, and his head is hanging in defeat. He's crying so hard Elle fears he might stop breathing at any moment. Meanwhile, Julius looks as cold and unaffected as ever, as if it wasn't his little brother and his...his... Elle still doesn't know what to call them but Ludger means the world to him so the sight of him ignoring his tears frightens her.

"Ludger," Julius says in a tone that's so placid and even, Elle is amazed it didn't come out of a robot. "This is for the best. I can't do this anymore, and neither can you."

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do, Julius!" Ludger cries out, giving his brother's arm a hard shake. "Don't you talk about me like that, and don't you talk about Elle like you know her either!"

"Ludger," Julius begins again. It's as if he's trying to calm down a child throwing a fit. He seems so disassociated from it all. "I'm not doing this anymore."

Ludger's head snaps up, and if possible, he cries harder. If he was on the brink of hysterics before, he's lost himself now.

"Please, Julius, don't do this, don't leave us! Don't leave _me!_ " Ludger sobs before pulling Julius towards him. Julius gives easily and lets Ludger sob into his shoulder, his skinny body trembling before Julius' indomitable resolve.

Elle doesn't want to watch anymore.

"What's going on...?" she finally asks, taking a few steps towards them. Her voice is small and tired, not necessarily from sleep deprivation.

Ludger's head snaps up, and he looks absolutely horrified when he sees Elle staring at the two of them. Julius acknowledges her with a mere glance.

"Elle, don't--" Ludger begins, but is cut off by Julius.

"Elle, I'm moving out tomorrow."

Ludger looks up to Julius with desperation written all over his face, desperation and despair. He looks like he could vomit.

Elle isn't much better herself. "What...?"

Ludger shakes his head as a silent sob constricts his lungs, and he gives Julius' arm a feeble shake.

"Ludger and I decided it would be best for the three of us if I lived on my own for awhile. Don't worry, Rollo will be staying here with you two," Julius continues with a factual tone.

Elle doesn't know if he's joking about Rollo, but she's quick to decide it's not very funny.

"Don't joke at a time like this! Rollo would miss you too, you know!" she exclaims indignantly. "Why do you have to leave?!"

"I just feel like the space would do me some good," is all Julius says in reply.

"Space from me and Ludger?! What did we do?! Look how sad Ludger is!" Elle yells, tearing up.

"You'll understand when you're older, Elle. You too, Ludger."

Julius tugs his arm out of Ludger's grip and strides out of the kitchen after that, and Ludger just stands in place and watches him leave with wide, wet eyes and the desperation of a dying man.

Elle skitters up to Ludger's side to take his hand into hers, and she gives it a hard shake. "Ludger! Do something!"

Ludger looks just as lost as she does, and when he looks down at her, he's so impossibly sad that it makes Ell's heart hurt. He shakes his head mutely before falling to his knees and holding Elle as tightly as he can.

"I'm so sorry, Elle," he murmurs. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

Elle's eyes dry up. She doesn't cry this time.

 

Julius slowly phases himself out of the apartment, but not out of their lives. His belongings go bit by bit, but with the increase in empty space comes the frequency with which Elle finds herself thinking of him.

When everything is gone, when the proof of his resolution is finally solidified, Elle realizes that she loves Julius a lot. He was sort of like a papa to her, in much the same way Ludger was like Daddy, so having him gone leaves her heart feeling hollow and empty, like something is missing.

Both Rollo and Ludger take his departure hard. Rollo is more lethargic than usual, which is fine with Elle since she's often too sad to play with him. The two of them will sit on his spot on the couch and watch his favorite cartoons together as if he had never left, Elle curled up against the armrest with Rollo between her legs. If they weren't cuddling up together, then Rollo was hiding away in Julius' empty room, indulging in restless sleeps.

Ludger though-- at first, Ludger immerses himself in countless activities. He gets another job on top of the one at the cafe, and always spends his days off cooking and cleaning and smiling brightly.

Elle knows him better than she knows anybody however, so one day when Ludger is boiling handmade pasta, she gathers her courage and asks him from her spot at the dining table. It's still next to the spot where Julius used to sit, where his empty chair remains even now.

"Ludger...you know it's okay to miss Glasses Guy, right?"

Ludger stops to turn and look at Elle with a start, as if he wasn't sure if he'd heard her properly. She doesn't look away, keeps her gaze steadfast and determined. She didn't want Ludger to suffer silently or hold his feelings in anymore.

"What do you mean, Elle?" Ludger asks with an incredulous laugh, brows knit in confusion. Elle doesn't know why he's bothering to act like he doesn't understand.

"You're overworking yourself, Ludger," Elle begins, wearing a concerned pout of indignation. "And your acting is bad. Even Rollo can tell you're not happy!"

Ludger's expression doesn't change for a long while as the two stare each other down.

"Ludger," Elle pleads, her angered expression softening.

Finally, as if her words had reached him, Ludger's expression gives way into an impossibly sad smile. He looks ready to cry at any moment, and Elle almost wishes she didn't say anything.

"Sorry for worrying you, Elle," he says. "Forgive me?"

Elle nods and wraps her arms around his neck. She doesn't know what else to say. She's never been this sad before, and has never seen anyone this sad before.

 

Soon after, Ludger starts having crying spells. Elle will usually hold him through them, and Ludger will feel guilty that a child, _his_ child is seeing him in his state, and he'll become angry with himself and cry harder. Sometimes he'll sob Julius' name, and that's usually what makes Elle cry, because she misses him too. They both miss him tremendously. They're not a family anymore.

 

"Ludger?"

"Yeah Elle?"

"Why did Glasses Guy leave?" 

Ludger goes silent.

"He said you guys were sick."

Ludger looks at her with a start. "What?"

Elle nods. "When I talked to him, he said you two were sick..."

Ludger gets on his knees to level with Elle, and tries to put on an understanding expression, but he only looks sad. It makes Elle regret saying anything all of the sudden.

"Julius really said that?"

Elle nods again.

Ludger looks positively wounded, and Elle is about to ask him if he's alright, but Ludger looks at her with an expression that she can tell means he's about to say something important.

"Elle, listen to me."

She swallows and nods.

"Julius isn't sick. He just wants to protect the people he loves."

"The people he loves?"

Ludget nods. "Not just me, but you too."

For the first time since this all began to unravel and their lives began falling apart, Elle wonders if maybe this is all her fault.

"...Is this all happening because of me?" she asks quietly.

Ludger's eyes widen in alarm, and he quickly shakes his head before throwing his arms around her and pulling her into his chest.

"No, Elle. None of this is your fault. It's no one's fault."

Elle isn't having it.

"If I wasn't around, you and Glasses Guy could be together though. Think about it. If I never found out, you two could still..."

Ludger shakes his head again and presses his cheek to her temple. In the most forlorn voice Elle has ever heard in her life, Ludger murmurs to her, "This is about more than just you, Elle. I'm the sick one."

Elle doesn't know what to do or say, she's always trying to make sense of what Julius told her, and now what Ludger has just told her. They're sick. They're sick. _They're sick._ Apparently Ludger is the sick one, not Julius, but Elle doesn't see anything wrong with Ludger that's out of the ordinary. She doesn't understand.

"Can you be cured?" she asks quietly, her voice muffled against Ludger's neck.

The two share a long, profound silence. Elle feels something tiny, warm, and wet drip onto her cheek.

She feels Ludger shake his head, and his voice is tiny and broken when he responds.

"No."

 

Ludger needs to go out of town for a night, so Elle stays with Julius.

He shares a long stare with Ludger, and the longing with which they watch each other makes Elle dizzy; it's both the saddest and most romantic thing she's ever seen in her short little life.

"...Be good, Elle," Ludger murmurs as he snaps himself out of his daze and looks down to her. He gives her a smile before stepping away and turning to leave.

"Bye Ludger," she says in reply, giving him a short wave before turning to Julius. "Let's go inside now."

Julius smiles before doing as requested and herding the girl indoors. As soon as he closes the door, Elle stands on the tips of her toes and throws her arms around him, burying her face in his hip.

She doesn't want to tell him she missed him, she's angry and resentful of him for some reason, but she doesn't pull away when he leans down to hug her back. Elle could cry. There are a million things rushing through her head, and countless feelings she doesn't understand flood her heart. She stays as strong as she can though.

"I missed you, Elle," Julius whispers, squeezing her tight.

"Me too," is all she says in return.

Julius has work he needed to take home, so he couldn't spend too much time with her, but he takes a long break to watch a movie with her, braid her long hair in a beautiful French knot, and let her show him her collection of pretty stones.

Something Elle was quick to notice is that Julius, who was a bit of a workaholic even before the move, has immersed himself in his job now. Ludger distracted himself by smiling and humming and losing himself to his beloved culinary arts, and it appears Julius is doing the same by dedicating all of his free time to his job. Elle suddenly understood why checking his bank account would always trigger crying fits in Ludger. Glasses Guy probably worked himself to death to support them.

 

Elle decides she'll bring Julius back home with her no matter what.

She draws a picture of herself, Ludger, and Julius. She colors a bright blue sky, a smiling sun (even though she knew only little kids drew smiling faces on their suns, but Elle needed this picture to be as happy as possible), and waves of sour-apple green grass. It was rudimentary, even Elle knew that, but it would get the job done and that's all she needed.

Quietly, she pads up to Julius' desk and slides the drawing towards him.

He looks up from the stack of papers he was going over, and regards her with a smile that was both warm and tired. Elle is glad she included the sun.

"Is this for me?" Julius asks, picking up Elle's drawing and studying it intently.

"Yeah," she says, her voice firm. "It's our family. You, me, and Ludger."

Glasses Guy isn't stupid, Elle knows he's aware of what she's trying to get at, but he plays coy and innocent anyway.

"What about Rollo? I don't see our little butterball anywhere here."

"Come home."

Julius continues to study her picture carefully, before putting it down and watching Elle, giving her his undivided attention.

"No can do, Elle," he says with a shake of his head. "If I break the lease, it'll be a pain. Besides, I like the alone-time."

"Ludger cries all the time," she continues. "He misses you. And...I guess I do too. I don't know."

Julius shakes his head once again before turning back to his work. Suddenly, Elle feels like she's being ignored, and she doesn't like it. She pads around Julius' desk and stands before him, craning her neck up to look at him with a steadfast determination no child her age should know anything about.

"Come on, Glasses Guy! Don't you miss us too? Don't you want to be with us anymore?!"

When Julius says nothing, Elle begins to feel her frustration getting the better of her, and she stomps her foot before grabbing his sleeve and giving it a shake.

"I'm not coming home, Elle. When you're older, you might understand, but for now, you just need to trust me. It's better that things are this way."

Elle starts to cry, her voice choking up as thick tears begin cloud her vision.

"Ludger said he's sick," she says, voice strained with the effort of containing a sob. Suddenly, she's scared and anxious and _really_ wants Julius to come home. "He said he's sick, but you're not. Ludger is sick, so he needs you to be with him!"

Julius looks down at her with a pensive expression that was clearly hiding something. Elle hates him for it, wishes Julius was more upfront about his thoughts and feelings like Ludger was. Maybe then she really could understand what this was all about.

"He said there's no cure, Julius, so you have to come home! What if he dies or something?" Elle sobs.

Julius pries her tiny hand out of his, and backs his chair out before scooping Elle up and sitting her in his lap. She latches onto his chest and cries into it, loud and anguished. _Daddy,_ she wails. _Daddy, Daddy, Julius, Daddy._

Julius strokes her back and rubs his chin against the top of her head all the while, and it's enough to ease Elle to where she can collect herself somewhat, and remain cognizant enough to think that maybe Julius will come back with her after all.

 

"I'm sorry, Elle," is all Julius says to her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elle finds out why Julius left her and Ludger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you all wanted a happy ending and god knows i did too, so let's work towards one, okay? i'm aiming for this fic to be wrapped up in the next chapter, but we'll see how that goes. for now, enjoy!

Elle doesn't know why, but she's a little surprised when Ludger comes back for her the night she was left at Glasses Guys'.

She doesn't know when she fell asleep. She had cried and cried and cried, even as Julius carried her to his bed, and he drew a blanket over her and rubbed her back as she sobbed into a pillow.

It was as if she'd told him every secret plaguing her that night. I'm sad, I miss Daddy every day, why won't you come back, I miss you, I miss you, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

She woke up with a headache and Ludger gently shaking her awake. He looked just as tired as she did.

Just like before, Ludger and Julius' gazes lingered in this profound and longing way that made Elle's heart hurt. She still thought boys were gross, but a young woman like her had an easy time recognizing true love. She watched Julius and Ludger watch each other, and instantly knew that their eyes held true love.

 

As they pass by the park on their way home, Elle clutches the strap of her backpack and finally musters up the courage to ask.

"Ludger...?"

He looks down at her with a smile. For some reason, Elle doesn't like it. She doesn't understand how someone in so much pain can look so kind and happy.

"What is it?"

There's a long, pregnant pause as they continue walking, but Elle finally decides that this is a conversation that would be better held if they were standing in place. She stops, and clutches Ludger's hand to hold him still as well.

"Are you going to die?" she asks with a quiet tremble to her voice. She tries to mask her intense worry with indignation. She told herself that she should be angry at Ludger for keeping something like this a secret from her, assuming that bad news awaited.

Ludger looks at her with wide and confused eyes before stooping down to her level and putting his hands on her shoulders.

He gives his head a quick shake. "No, Elle. Why would you ask that?"

Elle's frown takes a slight pout to it as she tries to maintain an angry facade. "When people are sick, they die. That's how it is, right?"

Ludger's expression confuses Elle. He looks as if he could stop breathing at any moment, kind of like when a fight with Julius was over. He looks like he could cry, which Elle has seen him do countless times, so it's easy for her to tell when it's about to happen.

Was her question that stupid, she wonders. She can't help but be a little bit annoyed.

Ludger looks down, his grip easing off her shoulders, before he stands once again. He regards her with a small smile, and takes her hand back into his.

"I'm not going to die, Elle. I'll be fine."

Elle wishes he would stop lying to her all the time.

 

The next time he needs to help Jude with some research and tests at Helioborg, Ludger has Elle stay with Elize and Driselle.

Driselle and Elize are so sweet to her, at first Elle completely forgets the misery of her apartment. They make flower crowns and pretend to be princesses, they play a game where they get to make up a story together, and they even give Elle a makeover. She got to try on lipstick and blush and long fake eyelashes. She thought she looked ridiculous, but they all laughed and smiled.

The peace doesn't last long, because when she's sitting on the floor in Driselle's room, with Elize kneeling behind her, she suddenly remembers the night she spent at Glasses Guy's house. He'd braided her hair, just like Elize was doing now.

It feels as if the air's been knocked out of her lungs, and she can't help but burst into tears. She remembers how happy her family was before she found out Julius and Ludger's secret. The three of them would play at the park together, and Glasses Guy would take them on shopping sprees, and Ludger would cook both their favorites and they would share food together, and she would jump into their beds and into their arms and _Julius and Ludger loved each other so much, she ruined it, she completely ruined it._

"Elle? What's wrong? Please tell me what's wrong!" Elize cries out as she moves to kneel in front of the crying girl.

Elle rubs her fake lashes off and smears her lipstick and blush. When Elize takes her into her arms, she doesn't think twice when she buries her face into the curve of her neck and nearly screams with how hard she's crying.

She wishes she could answer Elize and tell her everything that's weighing her heart down, but she knows she can't, that everything that's happened between herself and Ludger and Julius are secrets that no one can know about. She wishes Julius and Ludger could be together like a normal couple, like the mommies and daddies she sees everywhere. She had that once, she had it and they were all so happy, but all Elle can think is that she ruined it.

All she does is cry _I'm sorry, I'm sorry,_ over and over again. Elize holds her tightly, shushes her, and tells her it's going to be okay.

 

Elle ends up resting her head on Elize's lap while Elize strokes her hair. She's slipped into the strange calm that follows hysterics. She's seen it in both herself and Ludger. She wonders why Glasses Guy doesn't crumple and cry like they do, if he knows what they go through all the time because of him.

"Elize?" she asks in a tired voice.

Elize smiles down at her softly. "Yes, Elle?"

"When you love someone," Elle starts, but she stops to purse her lips in thought. "When you love someone, but you can't be with them... How does it feel?"

Elize hums, contemplative, and her fingers linger behind Elle's ear.

"I'll tell you a secret. It's just between you and me, alright Elle?" Elize says in a gentle, low voice.

Elle nods.

Elize goes back to combing her fingers through Elle's hair. "I was in love with my teacher."

The revelation is enough to make Elle turn in Elize's lap to look up at her with wide eyes. Elize has always been a good girl; with Rowen occasionally dropping by to visit, and Alvin keeping a close watch over his princess, and Driselle always there to spend time with her, it's hard for Elize _not_ to be a good girl. Already, Elle's head is swimming with ideas of what this torrid love affair between star student Elize and this mysterious teacher might entail.

"Yeah," Elize replies with a sheepish smile and a light rosy color dusting her cheeks. "She's really beautiful, and kind, and smart... And she always helped me, even with things that weren't related to school. I even shared secrets with her."

"What happened? Did you tell her how you felt?" Elle asked, her tone marveling, clearly engaged. She knew where this story was going, what with the topic that prompted it, but she wants to know how Ludger and Glasses Guy feel.

Elize squares her little shoulders. "I did. She was really nice about it, but she said that because she was a teacher and I was a student, even if she returned my feelings, there's no way we could be together."

Elle frowns, unsure of what to say. Idly, she reaches up to twirl a lock of Elize's hair between her fingertips. It's all she can think of to be comforting.

"You really loved her a lot?" she asks quietly.

Elize nods. "Yeah. I really, really did."

"Sorry if I made you remember something sad," Elle professes in a low, reproachful tone. She's usually flippant about these things, but she's come to like and trust Elize. Furthermore, Elize has entrusted her with a heavy secret that no doubt means a lot to her.

Elize shakes her head, and continues to smile down at Elle. "Not at all. It was a long time ago, but I'll never forget how much it hurt to be rejected."

Elle slips her hand away from Elize's hair to let it rest on her stomach. She gives her nightgown a clutch as she works up the courage to ask, "What was it like?"

"It felt like...a piece of my heart was missing."

"A piece of your heart...?"

Elize nods.

Elle shuts her eyes to avoid fresh well of tears threatening to spring.

 

She didn't cry for the rest of the night, and woke up in her bed back at Ludger's apartment. He isn't there when she gets up, but she does find him sitting cross-legged on the couch, Rollo in his lap, mindlessly watching something on television. He usually watched cartoons and other kids' shows, but Elle is pretty sure that the news is on instead. It may or may not have been a special on Spirius.

"Hey Ludger," she greets with a tired voice, a heavy yawn rising up from her chest soon after. She pads up to his side before reaching down to give Rollo a pet between his ears. "Hey Rollo."

Ludger smiles at her. "Good morning. You're up early."

Elle huffs a bit, still sleepy but not enough to where she can't keep Ludger on his toes. "You woke me up when you took me home from Elize and Driselle's place."

Ludger only laughs before reaching up ruffle her hair affectionately. It makes Elle's heart hurt a bit because Julius would do the same thing to her.

"We got back a little while ago. It's not my fault you woke up just now."

"Whatever," Elle says while rubbing the sleep from her eyes with the back of her hand.

She isn't sure what to say or do next, because Ludger looks tired and she isn't quite ready to broach the topic of broken hearts quite yet. There was still a lot about it she wanted to think about, but the conclusion is crystal clear to her.

Having a broken heart, having a piece of it missing, must hurt tremendously. It made perfect sense to her; what Ludger and Julius both meant when they said they were sick, when _Ludger_ said he was sick, why Ludger was constantly crying and why Julius was always acting as if he were detached from the world around him. It made absolute, perfect sense.

Elle is grateful she doesn't cry at the revelation, but she does lean onto Ludger's side, and gives a light wiggle. Ludger looks as tired as she does. She wonders if he even slept.

"Hey, Ludger," she begins while fighting off another yawn. "You look sleepy."

Ludger hums in thought as he gives Rollo an absent stroke. "I guess I am."

With a light pink dusting her cheeks, Elle's expression melts into a pouty frown as she looks to Rollo.

"I'll let you sleep with me if you want," she offers, giving Ludger's shoulder a light bump as she speaks. "It'd be mean to let you stay up by yourself. Even Rollo's tired. We should cuddle with him."

Ludger says nothing at first, merely watches the television with a fixed gaze as if he were waiting for something. Elle gets a sense that he's convincing himself that whatever he's watching for won't come, but whatever the case may be, Ludger turns to her with a smile and nods.

"Yeah," he says. "Let's take a nap with Rollo."

He turns the television off with the remote before scooping the dozing Rollo into his arms with a grunt of effort. Elle absently takes hold of the hem of his shirt, as if to make sure Ludger wouldn't stray from her side,

 

The next time Ludger needs to go out of town, to Marksburg precisely, Elle asks to stay with Julius.

"Why?" Ludger asks with a concerned smile. "Don't you like staying with Elize and Driselle?"

Despite his questioning, Ludger never did develop a consistent ability to say no to Elle, so they're already in the middle of packing her overnight things for Julius'. Ludger had even sent Julius a text message asking if it would be okay.

"It's not that," Elle says as she moves the stones in her backpack's pockets to another compartment. "Too much girl-time makes me tired. Everything's calmer at Glasses Guy's house."

Seemingly placated, Ludger doesn't probe any further. Elle is grateful she didn't have to resort to getting mad at him in order to make him drop it.

Truthfully, all she wanted to do was spend some time with Julius, and maybe see if she can find out whether there's a piece of him missing too. She can already tell part of Ludger is missing, and it must be a big piece because for all the effort he puts into making himself look composed, he's actually a mess. He has a hard time sleeping, he still cries, he's even picked up staring absently at cooking magazines.

Is this how people die of broken hearts, Elle wonders. She needs to help Ludger get better soon.

"All packed?" Ludger asks with a cheery smile.

"Yup!" Elle says with a pump of her fist. Though, she does adopt a pouty frown a few moments later. "You know, you look awfully happy for someone who has to spend all night working faraway. Are you sure you aren't going somewhere fun without me?"

For the first time in a long while, Ludger laughs. Even if it's brief, the sound is soft and warm and sincere. It knocks the breath out of Elle, though she does nothing to show it. She wants to hear that sound more and more.

"No, Elle, I promise I'm not going anywhere fun. I'll give you a call if things get exciting, alright?" Ludger says before giving her hat a gentle ruffle.

Elle grins and giggles. "Okay! You promised, so don't forget!"

Ludger nods, rises, and takes her by the hand. They're still smiling when they get to Julius'.

 

The stay at Julius' is uneventful. He makes a little time for Elle, like last time. They tie her hair into silly styles, download and play with a few of the apps on his touchscreen GHS, and they read a book together.

Julius has gotten into the full swing of his work when Elle approaches him in his office. She isn't there to reprimand him or kick up a fuss. She's just tired. She had a lot of fun, but something about being around Julius is draining. Anyway, it's not like he's playing with her, so she figures she might as well get some sleep.

"Hey, Glasses Guy," she says, rubbing her eyes with the back of a fist. "I'm getting sleepy."

Julius rises from his chair with an obliging smile. "Why don't I help you get settled in for bed, then? You look like you've had a long day."

Ellle isn't sure what to say to that, and she's too tired to worry about the unease it fills her with, so she nods before following Julius through the apartment.

She takes a bath, and Julius helps her undo her hair before tucking her into his bed.

"Where are you gonna sleep?" Elle asks, though she makes no move to get up.

"The couch in my office turns into a bed," Julius reassures her as he draws the blankets up just below her chin.

Elle isn't sure if she believes that or not, but Julius pets her yellow backpack's cheek before reaching over to brush her bangs away from her forehead. His touch is tender and loving and sure. It's a simple gesture, but it fills Elle with warmth and safety.

She realizes that this feeling has been missing ever since Julius left her and Ludger all those months ago.

"Glasses Guy?" Elle asks in a soft voice. Her eyes are fluttering, but she forces herself to stay awake. There's something she needs to confirm.

Julius smiles down at her. "What is it, Elle?"

"Do you miss me and Ludger and Rollo?"

Julius is silent for a moment, his smile falling, before he puts it back into place and nods. "Yeah. I miss the three of you a lot."

"Do you feel like a piece of your heart is missing?" Elle asks, voice tired.

Julius pauses again, and seems truly contemplative this time. It fills Elle with both hope and worry.

"Yeah," Julius says quietly. His smile grows a bit sad. "I do."

Elle pouts, eyes sliding shut and staying that way. Petulantly, she says, "You can come home, you know."

She can hear the smile in Julius' voice when he chuckles. Before he can draw away too far, Elle reaches up and grabs whatever part of him is closest to her. Thankfully it's the sleeve of his shirt.

"Stay with me until I fall asleep, okay?" she murmurs, tugging Julius a bit closer to her.

Without missing a beat, Julius steps towards her, and takes a seat at the edge of the bed. The dip of his weight is reassuring and makes Elle feel even safer, and the soothing way he resumes stroking her hair is just that.

"Go to sleep now, Elle," Julius says.

When Elle hums in affirmation, silence passes between them for a few beats, and that's when Julius starts to hum.

It isn't his and Ludger's song, and this makes Elle glad because she doesn't want to intrude on something Julius and Ludger share. That song belongs to _them,_ and Elle has already taken something personal from them. Furthermore, she wants something that belongs only to herself and Julius. It makes her feel closer to him somehow.

Elle's grip on Julius' sleeve goes lax, and eventually she falls asleep, lulled by Julius' loving voice and their personal song.

 

She wakes up to Julius shaking her gently.

"Hey, Elle."

Elle groans and sits up, nowhere near alert, and rubs her eyes. "What...?"

"Ludger's here to pick you up."

Elle hums in affirmation before letting Julius help her out of bed. She manages to dress herself, though she opts to keep her hat in her bag, and slings her yellow backpack on before leaving Julius' room.

Surprisingly, Julius and Ludger are talking. Even though he looks tired, this is the happiest Elle's seen Ludger in a long while, so she's fine with it. Meanwhile, Julius looks unaffected, as if Ludger's smile and joy weren't infectious. Elle doesn't know how he can't be happy to see Ludger, but she doesn't get the chance to wonder on it for too long.

Ludger looks past Julius and meets Elle's gaze. "Ready to go?"

Elle watches the two of them for a few long moments before nodding. She doesn't bother to hide the sadness in her tone when she answers. "Yeah. Let's go."

Ludger doesn't look much better either. He fusses over Elle a bit before taking her hand and letting Julius lead them to the door.

Before they leave, Ludger turns to Julius and watches him for a few long moments. It's just as romantic and beautiful and dizzying as it was the last time Ludger picked her up from Julius'.

"Bye," he says. He looks ready to cry.

"Bye," is all Julius manages, his voice soft and distant. Julius doesn't waste time closing the door, leaving Ludger and Elle alone.

  
On their way home, Elle decides to keep her findings to herself. Just knowing that Julius really was sick after all, that a part of his heart was missing and that it was hurting him every day, was enough for her.

She had to save them both. It would be difficult, but she had to save them both. She had to bring her family back together.

 

She tries staying at Elize and Driselle's again, and she has fun and doesn't cry, but in the end she still wishes she'd been at Julius'. Ludger doesn't need to leave her alone often, but the next time he does, which is nearly two months after she'd last seen Julius, she specifically asks him if she can stay with him.

"You miss him?" Ludger asks with a small smile.

Elle blushes a bit and looks away. "Not really. I'm just worried he might be lonely, that's all."

Ludger nods. "I'll ask him if it's okay. It's just for Sunday, so I'm sure it'll be fine."

Elle smiles and nods, and hopes for the best.

 

Ludger had gone to his room to talk to Julius over the phone. Elle was coloring a page out of a book when Ludger returned after their lengthy conversation. She wonders what they could have been talking about for so long, and why they couldn't have those kinds of conversations face-to-face. There was definitely more to the call than Ludger asking if she could stay over.

"He gave the okay," Ludger says to her with a smile. "He has work on Saturdays too, but his Sundays are free. If you're okay with me dropping you off on Saturday night, you can stay."

Elle nods vigorously and smiles brightly. She feels oddly triumphant for some reason.

"That's okay!" she says with a pump of her fist.

 

The visit goes without a hitch, and when Elle, Ludger, and Julius are standing at the doorway with Ludger ready to take her home, Elle is quick to ask.

"Hey, Glasses Guy? Can I come over next weekend too? And the weekend after that?"

Ludger and Julius both look down to her.

"I don't have to be anywhere next weekend, Elle," Ludger says with a tilt of his head.

"I know," Elle says with a frown, squeezing Ludger's hand. "I was just asking. And anyway, it's not _all_ your decision Ludger. Glasses Guy gets a say in it too."

"She's got you there, Ludger," Julius adds jovially, probably only being difficult just to be difficult, but Elle is grateful for the input anyway.

Ellle grins up at Julius. "You like spending time with me, right Glasses Guy? It's okay if I come over on the weekends?"

Julius' expression softens, and he watches Elle for a few long moments before reaching down to give her hat a light ruffle.

"Ludger and I'll work something out. Sound good?"

Elle's cheeks glow a light pink as she smiles so hard, she feels as if her lips could split. She isn't sure why she's so happy; maybe because she misses Julius more than she thought she did, or maybe because now Ludger has an excuse to see Julius now, even if it's only for a little bit. It's as if a plan is in motion, and Elle might not know what she's going to do from here, but she swears she will make this work in her favor. A little extra time with her family all together isn't a bad thing.

When they finally turn to leave, Elle twists around to smile hard and wave to Julius, leaving nothing in her wake but a rousing and expectant, "Bye, Glasses Guy!"

 

Elle is eating lunch with her friends at school. She had to turn down a slumber party invitation, merely said that she has to stay with Glasses Guy on the weekends. When they ask her if it's a consistent thing, if she goes _every_ weekend, Elle says yes. They ask why he doesn't just live with her and Ludger, but all Elle says is that he used to, but he decided he couldn't live with them anymore. Elle doesn't hate him though, so she stays with him on the weekends.

It's then that Elle's friend brings up a curious word. "It sounds like they're divorced."

"Divorced?"

"Yeah," her friend says, taking another bite of her croissant. "That's what it sounds like to me."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Elle says with a frown, tilting her head. She doesn't want to admit she doesn't know what being divorced entails, but she figures feigning annoyance at the possibility of being insulted is a good way to weasel the answer out of her friend without making her ignorance too clear.

"It's when your parents split up," her friend begins. "My mom and dad aren't married anymore, so they don't live together. They still love me though, so on the weekends and when we have breaks, I stay with my mom. During school, I stay with my dad because he lives closer."

Elle hums in thought, a pensive frown tugging at her brows. Divorced... It really does sound just like Ludger and Julius, but the word 'married' makes her panic a bit. Ludger and Julius aren't married-- or were they? The idea that they might have been but have gotten one of these divorces because of her hurts even more than it did when she had her fit at Driselle's.

Can brothers even get married? Elle doubts it, so she shakes her head to dispel the foolish thought. But still, to think they were as close as a married couple, and that the three of them really were a happy, functioning family, just like all the other kids have...

"Do you ever wish your parents would get back together?" Elle asks her friend quietly.

The other girl hums in thought with a mouthful of food. She swallows before answering. "I guess. We're still a family, though, so I don't mind."

Elle wasn't expecting that answer, figured that any other child her age would want their family all together. Her friend isn't sad about it though, and even if Ludger is still sick and sad, Julius seems okay.

She wonders if maybe she should just accept what her life's become.

 

She spends the rest of the day turning the word over in her head-- divorced, divorced, divorced. There's something sad and final about it, like there's no hope of ever going back to something positive and happy-sounding. Elle doesn't like it, but she also knows that reality can be extremely cruel.

 

Elle waits until they're inside before she asks anything.

"Hey, Ludger?" Elle asks as she sits at the doorway, pulling her mary-janes off. "Can I ask you something?"

"Sure," Ludger replies as he takes her jacket and hangs it up for her.

"Are you and Glasses Guy divorced?" she asks, looking up at Ludger as she scoots her shoes next to the door with her bare foot.

Ludger looks down at her as if she'd just asked something peculiar. She supposes she did, but she needs the answer.

"Divorced?" Ludger glances away before shaking his head. "No, Elle, it's nothing like that."

Ludger is strangely calm, which surprises Elle because Ludger almost always got upset when she brought up Julius. It makes her wonder if _he's_ starting to accept the reality of the situation, if she should start accepting it too.

It doesn't sit well with her for some reason, so she continues talking as she follows Ludger to the kitchen.

"My friend Mira-- at school, she said her parents are divorced. She says the way I live with you and Glasses Guy is how she lives with her divorced parents."

Ludger glances at Elle to make sure she's sat herself onto her chair at the dining room table safely. As soon as she does, he sets himself to preparing her after-school snack. He always makes her something at work and brings it home for her before he goes to pick her up. His schedule is so packed, and he's always running around. Elle doesn't know how he does it.

"Divorces are only for people who are married," Ludger explains as he begins cutting a wrap into smaller sections. "Julius and I are brothers, so it isn't the same."

Elle suddenly feels overwhelmed, and wishes she could just drop this entire conversation. Ludger is talking as if he and Julius were normal brothers who had a normal spat and that was all there was to it. Like Ludger hasn't spent more than half a year sick and crying, like he doesn't think about Julius constantly. Like Elle never caught him and Julius acting in a way only a mom and dad were supposed to.

Ludger can tell Elle has more to say, but he remains quiet while he finishes preparing her lunch, letting her gather her thoughts.

"Ludger, I know you and Glasses Guy are in love," she says, tone grave. "It's weird, but I don't think it's gross."

Ludger says nothing, eyes narrowed down at his busy hands. His chopping has slowed considerably, the only indicator that he's listening.

"I don't get why he won't come home. Do you think he's lying when he says he misses us?"

"...I don't think so, Elle."

"So why?" Elle asks again, and that's when her frustration begins to build. She frowns, looking down at the table. "Why won't he come home? It's not fair. I don't want to have a divorced family. I want a _normal_ family."

"It's because we _aren't_ normal, Elle," Ludger replies calmly, though he can't quite meet Elle's gaze or pick up choping just yet.

Elle says nothing because she knows it's true.

"He's my brother. No matter what, we'll never be able to get married or raise you like a normal couple would. I wanted to try, but he's so _afraid._ "

That's something new. No one had ever mentioned fear, and Elle just can't believe it.

"Glasses Guy is always watching over us, right? He can't be scared of anything, or how's he going to do his job?" Elle asks. She knows it's more complicated than that, but the idea of Julius being afraid of anything isn't something she can accept so easily.

Ludger smiles, though it's sad and small. "He's actually afraid of a lot of things. He won't admit it, but I can tell."

"Ludger..."

"I wish I could help him," Ludger says, trying to keep his tone even as he tightens his grip on the knife. His smile brightens, though a familiar sheen of wetness begins to glaze over his eyes. "I wish I could make him understand how we feel."

"Me too," Elle says quietly. "If he loves us so much, he should just come home. If he's happy, we'll be happy too. Why can't he understand?"

Ludger chuckles at that, and Elle is equal parts guilty and grateful. His laughter is forlorn and bitter and shaky.

"Julius has always been stubborn," Ludger says, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "He won't admit when he's wrong, and everything has to go his way."

"He sounds like a little kid. Like a brat," Elle mutters, tone sharp.

Ludger laughs again. "Don't say that, Elle."

"It's true."

Ludger can only nod.

Another long silence passes before Elle finally looks up at Ludger. He's still crying, and it's making Elle's heart hurt.

"Hey, Ludger?" she asks, tears rising up in her own eyes.

Ludger makes a noise of acknowledgement before looking up at her.

"Do you want to marry him?"

"We can't, Elle."

"But if you could," she presses. "Would you?"

More tears come, and Elle ends up crying too, the backs of her hands rubbing at her eyes. Ludger looks so sad and so pained, she wishes she hadn't asked, but she has to know. As much as she wants Julius to come home, she needs to make sure Ludger wants the same thing, needs to make sure that Ludger doesn't want to settle for the mediocrity of getting used to a broken family.

Despite the missing piece of his heart aching, Ludger manages a response. The smile he gives her through his thick, rolling tears leaves Elle almost blind.

"Yeah," he says with a nod. "I would. In a heartbeat."

Elle releases an unearthly wail, curling into herself and crying her entire heart out.

 

Ludger ended up scooping her into his arms and taking her to the sitting room couch, where they held each other and just cried. Ludger was quiet throughout Elle's howling sorrow, rubbing her back, face buried in her hair.

Calm comes upon her, and Elle sits limply in Ludger's lap, resting against him, head lolled onto his shoulder.

They're tired. Ludger is so tired, Elle can tell, but she confirmed that he wants the same thing she does, so she doesn't feel too bad anymore.

 

"Hey, Glasses Guy," Elle begins, swinging her legs as she sits atop the end of Julius' desk not occupied by papers and his laptop.

"What is it, Elle?" Julius asks distractedly.

"Can I tell you a secret?"

Julius pauses his work to turn to her with a small, amused smile.

"Sure. Fire away."

Elle can't help the blush that rises to her cheeks.

"Ludger said he wants to marry you."

Julius stares at her blankly for a few long moments before his wits return to him and he lets off a short laugh.

"What?"

Elle nods. "Ludger was explaining divorces to me, and when I asked if he wanted to marry you, he said yes."

Elle can tell Julius doesn't know what to say, but after a few beats he shakes his head as if admonishing her. Elle doesn't know what she did but she decides that she's _had it_ with his silence and vagueness. She understands why Ludger gets so frustrated with him sometimes, and the possible root of their fighting so long ago.

"Do you want to marry him too?" Elle asks, insistence in her tone. It's clear that there is indeed a right answer to this question.

Either Julius is just as stubborn as Ludger said he was, or he's too dumb to pick up the severity in her tone, because he sighs and shakes his head and looks away.

"You know that's impossible, Elle. And anyway, marriage is more complicated than that. You can't decide something like that so quickly."

Elle looks at Julius with a stunned expression, eyes wide and mouth agape, as if she'd been slapped.

"You _don't_ want to marry him?!" she asks loudly. "When people are in love, they get married-- and you don't want to marry him?! You don't want to _be_ with him?!"

Julius shakes his head quickly, and finally meets her gaze. His expression is serious. He looks like he's on the fringes of irritation, but Elle doesn't care. Julius might be an adult, but she's starting to realize that he can be an incredibly immature one. His distantness is becoming less and less daunting by the minute.

"That's not what I mean Elle. Of course I love him. I love both of you."

"So why won't you come home?!" Elle nearly shouts as she hops off Julius' desk and rounds it to stand before him with clenched fists. She's trying her hardest not to get worked up to where she can't speak or think properly, but it's hard.

"It's like I keep telling the both of you. When you're older, you'll understand."

Elle stamps her foot. "Ludger is sick! We cry because of you all the time! Even Rollo won't play anymore! But you don't care!"

"I do care, Elle," is all Julius says. He's looking more and more frustrated with every one of Elle's outbursts, and for some reason, Elle is glad. It's a relief to see him show some kind of emotion, to know that he can't remain detached and unaffected forever.

"So why won't you come back? Why won't you tell us why you're doing this?" Elle asks sharply, though her volume comes down to a normal level.

"Because what Ludger and I had isn't normal, and I'm hurting the both of you by continuing to let it happen," Julius says firmly.

There are so many things wrong with the explanation that Elle had coveted so, that she becomes overwhelmed by the falseness of it. She doesn't know _why_ she doesn't believe it, or why she gets the sense that it isn't enough, but she doesn't know what to say in its face.

Elle isn't like Julius though. She has the truth and a determination only those desperate to escape despair know.

"Ludger said it's because you're scared," she says quietly.

"Maybe he's right," is all Julius says in return. He levels his gaze to his lap, reproachful and thoughtful.

"What are you scared of?" Elle asks, her tone softening as if she were talking to a startled animal.

Julius is quiet for a long moment, and Elle is almost positive she's being ignored again, and is ready to speak up. However, Julius sighs, and for a moment Elle can see it. She can see the pain, the loathing, the longing in his eyes, but as quickly as she'd caught it, Julius' glasses catch in the light and his expression becomes as unreadable as always.

"How did you feel when you saw Ludger and I that day?" he asks evenly.

Elle swallows hard. She figured her reaction and its aftermath spoke for itself, but deep down she knew that wasn't quite the answer Julius was looking for.

She looks down, a vexed and defeated frown on her flustered face.

"I was confused, and scared. I thought it was weird and gross."

Julius opens his mouth to speak again, but Elle is afraid that the truth will end this entire conversation and Julius will think he's right. He isn't, he's the most wrong person in the world, and Elle is determined to make him see that.

"I don't think that anymore though!" she says loudly, eyes wide and wetting with determination. "It's okay if you want to kiss and stuff! I don't care anymore!"

Julius shakes his head. "We're not the only people in Ludger's life, Elle."

Elle blinks, waits for Julius to elaborate.

He gives a put-upon sigh.

"How do you think Ludger's friends will react if they find out about us? Don't you think they'll feel the way you did? They might even want to take you away from us."

That was it. That was the explanation she'd been longing for, that she'd been dying for, the reason for what has felt like endless suffering.

She's silent, but has enough of herself to where she can continually blink back the tears.

Julius shakes his head with a bitter smile. "There's too much at stake Elle. That's all I'm saying for now."

Elle rubs her eyes, sniffles hard, and nods her head.

 

She doesn't know what to say because she understands Julius a little bit better. She doesn't know what to do about what he'd just told her. She wishes she wasn't a child, she wishes she knew how to fix all this, how to make Julius realize that after all they've gone through-- after the disaster called Origin's Trial and everything it entailed, that there was nothing Ludger wouldn't do for him.

Elle spends the rest of the night in a thoughtful haze, lightheaded and confused. She says nothing when Julius tells her it's time for her to sleep, and lets herself be tucked in.

"Goodnight, Elle," he says softly, but as always, there's that underlying kindness that reminds Elle that he loves her.

"Glasses Guy," she says tiredly while sitting up, abandoning the comfort of the blankets pulled up to her chin.

Julius turns fully to face her. He looks like he can tell what's coming up next.

"Make sure you tell Ludger what you told me tonight, okay?" she asks. Her eyes feel heavy and scratchy, like crying would fix everything about them that hurt, but she refrains. She doesn't want Glasses Guy to see how pained she is.

Julius says nothing, and is about to turn away when Elle calls for him again. " _Glasses Guy._ "

He looks back to her with an exasperated frown. It's so unlike him to get angry with her like this, but Elle refuses to give up. He can hate her, she thinks to herself. He can hate her all he wants, but he has to be with Ludger again.

The thought makes her heart hurt so much she could cry right then and there, but there's too much riding on this moment being _perfect._ She screams at herself not to buckle under the pressure.

"Elle."

"Promise me you'll do it!" she says, moving to get out of bed. She stops when Julius approaches her again and stoops in front of her.

"I don't want to talk to him about this, Elle. You'll understand why when you're older."

Her expression hardens, and she shakes her head.

"I'll tell him if you don't."

They share a long look at each other, Elle's cheeks puffing with how her lips are set in a straight, determined line. She can feel her face betraying her, she doesn't want to look _cute_ right now, she wants to look stern and determined and grown up.

Thankfully, it seems her resolve is visible and Julius sees it, because he gives a good-natured sigh, a defeated smile, and shakes his head. He holds his hands up in a disarming gesture.

"Fine. You got me. I'll talk to him next time it comes up, alright?"

Elle grumbles but concedes, too tired to fight. Knowing it'll happen eventually is enough to pacify her for tonight. She decides she'll pester him about it later on. Until then though-- she needs to seal this promise, she needs to make sure Julius' habit of lying and hiding things won't interfere with getting her family back together.

She extends her hand, pinky held up.

"Pinky promise!" she says with a small smile. "A promise is a promise, so this means you have to do it."

Julius chuckles, and it's the most wonderful sound she's heard in a long while, before he lifts his gloved hand and links his large pinky with her smaller one.

"I swear, Elle. Okay?" he says, a little jovial.

Elle's smile spreads, and she gives Julius a nod. Somehow, the mood feels lighter, more optimistic. Everything Ludger told her about Julius was starting to make sense. He loved them, he wanted to protect them, he was too stubborn to see things any way but his. He was a brat, Ludger never did deny that, but Elle could be a bigger brat. Elle always got what she wanted, and that was the difference between herself and Julius.

"That's good. If you go back on your word, I get to feed you a thousand needles! That's what Daddy told me would happen to liars," she says with a grin.

Julius laughs before rising. "As tough as I am, I don't think I could handle swallowing _that_ many needles."

Elle giggles before reclining and settling back against the pillows. Julius rises, pulls the sheets back up to cover her comfortably, and gives her head a fond stroke. It makes Elle smile, and her face warms all the way up to her cheeks.

He takes a step back. "Goodnight, Elle."

Elle's eyes flutter shut, and she murmurs one final reply before relaxing completely. "Goodnight, Glasses Guy."

 

Elle awakens on her own for no reason in particular. From the color of the sky and the visibility of the clouds, she can tell it's almost time for Ludger to pick her up anyway, so she slides out of bed with a yawn, rubs her eyes, and looks about the room for her yellow backpack.

It's sitting against the closet, and as she takes a few steps towards it, she passes the door and hears what she can tell is a choked sob. It's definitely Ludger's; she's heard him cry enough times to recognize the sound instantly.

As gently and slowly as she can, she cracks the door open and peers through the sliver open to her.

She has to look between them in order to take them in, but from what she can see, Ludger and Julius are facing each other, and the way they're staring at each other can only mean one thing.

They're fighting.

Elle frowns sadly, but continues watching anyway. It's just like when they all lived together so long ago. She distantly wonders if maybe it's better that Ludger and Julius stay divorced if they're going to act like this every time they're alone together.

"Are you kidding me?" Ludger asks, his voice heavy and strained, coming right from his chest. He sounds ready to scream.

"How many times do I have to tell you? You'll understand when you're older--"

"Stop!" Ludger nearly shouts, fists balling, eyes wrenched shut. He looks completely furious.

She isn't totally sure, but it seems like Glasses Guy followed up with his promise and told Ludger what he'd revealed to her. Part of her is relieved, because that means Julius really does love her and cherishes their promises and songs and happiness. Progress can be made.

On the other hand, she's also afraid. Elle doesn't want them to fight, it's the last thing she wants. The last time they fought like this, Julius left them and it ruined their lives. She doesn't know what else he could possibly do to them, to Ludger, but Elle is a little scared to find out.

"Just stop..." Ludger trails off, broken and seething, angry and hurt.

Julius says nothing as if he were riding out a child throwing a fit.

"Stop _doing_ this to me! After everything we've gone through, do you really think I can't make my own decisions?!"

Elle has to tilt her head to really take in Julius' expression, but he looks tired and annoyed.

"You're acting like a rebellious teenager," Julius says with a sigh. "How many times do I have to tell you, it's about more than that?"

Elle swallows hard. Julius never told her that. Granted, she never asked, but--

"Then tell me what it's about, Julius!" Ludger cries out, fists shaking. He looks ready to lose himself to hysterics. Elle can't blame him. "Tell me what you're thinking, tell me what you're so afraid of-- stop leaving me in the dark all the time!"

Elle can hear Julius sigh again. There's a long pause, a silence interrupted only by Ludger's shaking breaths, before Julius finally speaks up in a soft hush, as if revealing a secret.

"I've already stolen enough from you, Ludger," Julius says. "I won't let you lose your friends, or Elle for that matter."

Elle can tell Ludger is still brewing in his anger, and she's beginning to feel her temper mount as well, but Ludger talks first. His voice is strained and tired, and he's definitely back to choking a sob back.

"Why? Why do you always do this?!" Ludger's voice trembles. "Why do you always make decisions for me? Why do you think you can do everything on your own?"

Julius is quiet for a few beats. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

Ludger trembles, elbows twitching as if he wanted to hit Julius. Elle certainly wouldn't mind giving him a hard kick, and contemplates coming out of hiding in order to give him a piece of her mind at the very least, but once again Ludger beat her to the punch. She shouldn't be surprised that he was holding so much anger and hurt in, but it's still painful to watch.

"So that's it? After everything we went through to be together, to be with Elle-- you're okay with throwing it away because you don't want to talk to me?"

"That's not what I mean and you know it," Julius says sternly.

Ludger finally bursts into fuller, thicker tears. His fear of waking her up must have gone amiss to him (not that she minds or blames him) because Ludger gives a loud, anguished wail before letting himself at Julius. He clings to him, buries his face in his brother's chest, and shakes his head as if at a loss.

"Then let us in," Ludger whimpers, his words muffled and barely audible but undoubtedly there. They ring loud and clear, overwhelmingly so. They're impossible to ignore.

Elle is surprised when Julius reaches up to stroke the back of Ludger's head, but it seems to calm Ludger down somewhat. It reminds Elle of what he'd done to her the first time she asked him to come home.

Ludger doesn't fall for it though; he looks up at Julius with desperation, cheeks wet with smeared tears and lips trembling. Elle wonders if he wants to kiss Julius. That's how it looks to her, and the thought is unsettling, but what's even stranger to her is the fact that she _wants_ it to happen. She wants them to kiss and hug and break in each others' arms so they can begin anew.

"Please let us in, Julius. Let us be there for you. Help us understand," Ludger pleads between shaking breaths.

Just like on that night, Julius gives Ludger's forehead a nuzzle. "I'm sorry, Ludger."

Ludger shakes his head. "Please."

When it becomes clear that Julius is unmoved, Ludger stands on the tips of his toes and finally, finally presses their mouths together, sad and chaste, their first kiss in little more than half a year.

Elle looks down. Just like before, she feels like it's something she's not meant to see.

"Ludger," Julius whispers, no doubt to apologize again, but Ludger kisses him quiet.

"Please," he says, and gives Julius another kiss. "Please," and then another.

They stare at each other with that same longing they hold whenever Ludger comes to pick Elle up from Julius'. The intensity of it makes Elle's breath catch in her throat.

It feels like all those months they've been apart pass by all over again, this long and agonizing silence, but Julius' arms suddenly wrap around Ludger in an embrace, and Elle's eyes water too.

This is it. With this, maybe things can go back to normal.

Ludger buries his face in the curve of Julius' neck and shoulder, and he cries softly, _Julius, Julius, Julius._

Julius only squeezes him, cheek pressed to Ludger's temple, and his breath begins to shake too.

They stay locked together for a long, long time, and their embrace persists for so long that Elle decides she's had enough and crawls back into bed. She lays on her side, curls up, and cries with soft, soundless breaths. She wants to go back to sleep, but so much has happened already that she knows she'll be wired all day. For now, she decides on closing her eyes and trying to rest her mind.

She finds herself on the fringes of sleep when Ludger finally comes in to give her a light shake awake. She groans, turning petulantly, and opens her eyes to the sight of Ludger smiling happily, though there's definitely an underlying tiredness as well.

"Morning, Elle," he greets softly. "Let's get ready to head home, okay?"

Elle nods kicks the blankets off of her, and slides out of bed for the second time that morning. Her movements are languid and slow as Ludger helps her change and pack her belongings. Normally she would protest him fussing over her so much, but right now she's too drowsy to care.

When they step out of Julius' room, hand in hand, the both of them look up to smile at Julius, who smiles back at the two of them. He also looks tired, but just like Ludger, the weariness belies joy.

"All set?" Julius asks as he stands by the door. Elle gives Ludger's hand a squeeze as they approach him.

"Yup," Elle says with a yawn. "I didn't forget anything."

Ludger and Julius smile down at her before looking up to catch each other's gazes. The longing is still there, but there's something sweet about it that makes Elle's heart flutter.

"We'll see you next weekend," Ludger says.

As Julius opens the door for them to leave, Elle twists around to beam up at Julius.

"Yeah! See you next time, okay Glasses Guy?" she chirps despite her tiredness. Julius reaches down to give her hair a ruffle.

"You bet."

Elle tries to grin, but a yawn forces itself up from her lungs, so she blushes in embarrassment instead before taking a few steps after a smiling Ludger.

As she watches Julius watch them go, Elle waves at him. He gives her a small wave back, his smile ever present.


End file.
